Gosh, I'm an IDIOT.

[singingviolin]

I was going through my livejournal archives and I found this entry, from May 5, 2005:

I feel terrible!

I hate people. So complicated. Never can get it right when interacting with them. When I screw up social-interaction-type-stuff, I just feel like such a failure, because I'm supposed to be one of them, and I don't get them, and I don't mean to screw things up, but I do, and I have, so there!

If they can laugh at me, fine; I'm pretty sure being entertained is ok. But if I annoy them, then the deepest, darkest shame envelops me like a chemical-weapon blanket that makes me nauseous and weak, and I long not to die, but to never have lived in the first place.

Oh why was I born human?

So...umm, why, exactly, a quarter of a decade later, have I not learned a single thing from my mistakes?

*sigh*

(BTW, this is here so y'all can laugh and make fun of me. I don't need/want/deserve any sympathy; I'm totally at fault here...AGAIN.)

[DDL]

Wow. It sounds like a summary of my life. This sentence especially:

"When I screw up social-interaction-type-stuff, I just feel like such a failure, because I'm supposed to be one of them, and I don't get them, and I don't mean to screw things up, but I do, and I have, so there!"

I don't know how many times I've accidentally said something wrong and not even noticed until the person I said it to told me it had hurt/irritated them and then I ended up feeling like the scum of the universe. It sucks.

[Mara Wildman]

It's the same for me with the same line DDL mentioned. But for me it's the fact that I don't say anything most of the time. Even when I'm around people that are just like me. Fellow Christians, Trekkies, etc. I guess it's because the way they talk it seems that they're bigger fans than me or they just know more about the subject than I do so I don't want to sound like an idiot. Grr.... Sometimes life can be so frustrating...

[Janeway Forever]

I think it's only natural to feel isolated, different, or weird at times. Everybody goes through it at some point or another in their lives. So don't feel too bad SV.

[singingviolin]

JF - if only that were the problem, I *wouldn't* feel too bad. Thanks, though.

The real problem is when I (inadvertently) hurt someone I love, and then realize after the fact that I should have known better. I think that's what happened last time too although I honestly can't recall what was going on at the time, and I wasn't exactly specific in the surrounding livejournal entries either. It seems it was more important to me at the time to document what I was feeling than what the problem was and how I could have solved or prevented it.

(And, as I said, I didn't post this for sympathy. Go ahead. Point and laugh!)